Inside the Sugar Tumor
by ED of Oblivion
Summary: [Gift for Rosiy] The five Gundam pilots must suffer so that Edward may appease the almighty beast. No, Duo, I will NOT make Trowa get off the ceiling so that you can sit in the blue chair. [Oneshot]


**Author:** ED of Oblivion

**Title:** Inside the Sugar Tumor

**Rating:** PG (K+)

**Genre:** Humor

**Summary:** (Gift for Rosiy) The five Gundam pilots must suffer so that Edward may appease the almighty beast. No, Duo, I will NOT make Trowa get off the ceiling so that you can sit in the blue chair. (One-shot)

**Warnings:** Minor profanity, minor Relena-bashing, OOC, PWP.

**Disclaimers:** I do not own _Gundam Wing_. _Gundam Wing_ belongs to Bandai Entertainment, Inc. and Sunrise. I am making no profit off of this fiction.

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_**Inside the Sugar Tumor**_

"_How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."_ -Sign above the bathroom door in an Applebee's restaurant

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There was once a horrible force which walked among humankind as if one of their own. A force so powerful, it brought a fan fiction author to her knees with the simple touch of an index finger. Out of the goodness of her heart, the tortured author (who was not very tortured at all, but just claimed to be so that the story would seem cooler and that she would receive sympathy from readers) rose up to pacify the savage creature through an offering.

That gift would be a written composition, hopefully viewed as a masterpiece in the eyes of that which tormented the poor author (who, once again, was not very poor at all). There would be sacrifices, of course, but neither from the oppressor nor the oppressed; others would suffer and make amends in the place of the author through means of being put in embarrassing situations, dressed in silly outfits, and locked in a boundless room with one of the most frightening inanimate objects of all. Only at the expense of five young men's dignities and values would the Great One be pleased…

Now… behold: a fan fiction with no descriptions, no paragraphs, and no narrative. A fan fiction made entirely of dialogue and speech, designed to force the mind to work out the actions and events that occur and which spoken phrases are voiced by who. That is the way of the Sugar Tumor.

And so it begins…

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"What the hell?"

"Hn."

"What the hell is this place?"

"…my shoes are missing."

"Why the hell are we here?"

"I'm going to go look for them."

"Heero! Where the hell are you going? We need to figure out where we are!"

"No."

"At least take me with you!"

"No."

"I wonder where the others are."

"Your voice bothers me. I'm going to find my shoes. Goodbye."

"_Nooooo_, Heero, come back! It's so creepy being alone in here."

"Duo, it's terrible! You've got to come help!"

"Quatre? Hey, you made it here, too! What's up?"

"Trowa won't come down."

"Down? From where?"

"…"

"What the—?"

"See what I mean?"

"…"

"Damn, that _is_ pretty bad. What should we do?"

"I was hoping you'd know! He won't come down no matter what I do."

"Oh, sweet! Look! A chair! We can use this!"

"Don't even _think_ about touching that chair, Maxwell! I saw it first!"

"Get real, Wufei. Everybody knows you can't stand the color blue."

"I'll fight you for it!"

"Bring it on!!"

"Guys, stop fighting! Trowa needs us!"

"…"

"Don't worry, Trowa! I'll save you, or die trying!"

"You'll die before that."

"What are you talking about?"

"All facts and evidence point to you. Now, where are they?"

"What?"

"My shoes."

"Somebody took your shoes? That's terrible! Who would do such a thing?"

"I'll kill you."

"Heero, stop looking at me like that! I didn't take your shoes if that's what you're thinking."

"I don't believe you. Now die."

"Gaaahh!! Trowa, I hope you're happy!"

"…"

_Not good enough. I must have more._

"…?"

"Who are you?"

_I am the controller of all you see before you. All that you experience and do in this place is directed by me._

"And you are…?"

_God._

"You are _not_ God… You have a girl's voice!"

_How would YOU know? You don't even believe in God._

"Then how in the hell am I hearing you??"

"Don't you walk away from our fight, Maxwell! I can do six pushups in two minutes!"

_Think of me as a temporary God. All of your fates will be controlled by my will for the next three hours and forty-two minutes._

"Hn."

"…"

"By Allah!"

"What the hell?"

"INJUSTICE!!"

_I'm sorry, but I cannot allow any type of plot to develop. All that is random and pointless is smiled upon by That Which Oppresses Me. If your experiences in the next three hours and forty-two… no, excuse me, make that forty-_one_ minutes are to the Great One's liking, there may be peace in my world._

"Can I sit in that chair?"

_What?_

"The chair — that blue one. Can I sit in it?"

_Are you sure?_

"Duh, of course I'm sure; I'm getting pretty tired of standing."

_No._

"What? Why not?"

_Because Trowa is still on the ceiling. That's why not._

"Damn it, Trowa, get down from the ceiling! I want to sit in the blue chair!"

"…no."

"By Nataku, he actually said something!"

"I like it up here. It's comfortable."

"But in your clown suit?"

"…"

_It is how the Great One wishes. All is well._

"Hey! Don't you go away! Make Trowa get the hell down!"

_No. I'm going to start counting how many times you say "hell."_

"Trowa, get the hell down!"

_One._

"Fight me, Maxwell!"

"Hell no!"

_Two._

"Duo, please stop saying that. It hurts my head."

"I'll say 'hell' as many times as I want!"

_Three._

"Hell! Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, HELL!!"

_Four, five, six…um…aw, hell. The Great One will not be pleased with this fan fiction… I am doomed._

"What? A fan fiction? We're in a fan fiction?"

_Yes. I mean, um…no. Heero, start dancing. The Great One commands it._

"Hn."

"Gah!! Heero, that _hurt!_"

_Duo, the Great One would be pleased if you were to put on this pair of Lederhosen._

"Hell _no!_"

_I'm not counting anymore. It must be done. Quatre, recite every swear word known to man._

"But… the big sign says this is a PG-rated zone…"

_Wufei…_

"…yes?"

_…um…read this. It's by Chaucer, so I think you'll enjoy it._

"That's it? Just read it? How pathetic—"

_Don't push me, kid, I'm improvising here._

"Look, dude…girl…whatever, the _point is_, I don't think any of us can keep this up for three hours."

"Allah! I think one of Heero's legs just broke!"

"Grab him! Don't let him set it!"

"I'll kill you all. Eventually."

"…"

"See?"

_I do, Duo. What would you have me do? I must please the Great One._

"Can't you just talk to this 'Great One?' What could they possibly do to you?"

_You don't understand. The Great One is merciless unless she is pleased. She touches me sometimes; jabs that dreaded index finger into my ribs until the multiple bruises bleed all at once. Torture, I tell you!_

"Well, I'm, um, sorry to hear that… But we're only human. We won't be able to keep this up for long."

_I haven't even assigned you anything to do yet. However, I see your point. Very well; I will speak with the Great One and propose a compromise, but just to make sure you don't leave, I will be leaving someone to guard the door._

"Door?"

"There is none!"

"Hey, come back! Don't just leave us here!"

"…the guard is here…"

"Huh?"

"Hello, everyone. Heero, I've found you at last!"

"What the—?"

"_Relena!!!_"

"It's hideous!"

"I beg your pardon? Quatre, what's Duo rambling about?"

"I'm sorry, Relena, but Duo can't control what he says at the moment; neither of us can."

"Why in the world not?"

"It's this place we're in; it's rather hard to explain. So I won't."

"Well… alright then."

"Quatre, don't let it touch you! You'll melt!"

"Duo, please shut up."

"…you _will_ melt, Quatre."

"Trowa, not you, too!"

"Dear God! What's Trowa doing on the ceiling?"

"It's a long story to tell. So I won't."

"Wufei, you're a woman-hater, aren't you? Make her go away!"

"I am NOT a woman-hater, Maxwell! You insult me with fan fiction stereotypes!"

"Quatre, will you tell me where Heero went?"

"I don't know. Apparently he left a few seconds ago."

"Lucky man."

"Duo, you're an obnoxious American!"

"Doing what I can with what I got."

_Excuse me. I have returned with a compromise from the Great One. Relena, you may leave now._

"YES!!!"

"What? But I just got here!"

_Your presence displeases the Great One. You must go, or you must die._

"Harsh."

"Aww…"

"I never liked your fan fiction anyway! You can go to hell for all I care."

"Relena?"

"What the hell?"

_Very well. You forget that you are in my world at this moment. Goodbye._

"Gah!"

"Holy crap!"

"…"

"I hope she doesn't do that to _me…_"

"So… What's this compromise you're talking about?"

_Ah, yes. The compromise. The Great One has agreed that instead of three hours of her wishes, she will settle for a minimum of ten full pages._

"Ten?"

"How many pages are we at now?"

_We're at the top of the ninth as we speak._

"_Damn_ it!"

"We still have two more pages to go!"

_Not my fault._

"Well, it's _partly_ your fault; why couldn't you have made it nine?"

_I didn't feel like it. It's an odd number._

"So?"

_The Great One wishes to have an even number of pages. It shall be done._

"And why the hell do you keep talking all philosophically? It's getting on my nerves."

_Would you like me to stop?_

"Yes."

_Fine. Heero, dance some more. That was funny._

"Hn."

"Is Trowa going to be stuck to the ceiling forever?"

_Maybe. Depends on what I feel like doing._

"That's not fair."

_Oh? Why don't you ask Trowa how he's feeling. I haven't heard him complaining._

"Trowa, do you like being on the ceiling?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Um, okay."

"I'm bored."

_Good for you._

"Got anything to eat around here? I'm getting hungry."

_No._

"Thanks, _you're_ a really big help."

_You're welcome. Need anything else?_

"No."

_You sure?_

"Positive."

_M'kay. I'll be here if you do._

"I'm sure I won't."

_Alright then._

"Got any gum, Quatre?"

"No. But I do have some tea packets."

"Are they chewable?"

"Well…no."

"Oh."

"…"

"Can I chew on them anyway?"

"Um…okay."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

_Oh, and just so you guys know, we're at eleven pages now._

"_What?_"

"Eleven?"

"You bitch! Why didn't you tell us when we were at ten?"

_I didn't want to interrupt you. You seemed to be having a meaningful conversation._

"Stupid effing bitch."

"Duo, watch your language! And don't call her that; she might make us do something embarrassing."

_Yeah, Duo, better watch what you say to me. Wouldn't want anything to happen to that BRAID now, would you?_

"You wouldn't."

_You're right, I wouldn't. Your braid's cool._

"Oh. Uh, thanks."

_By the way, we're going to twelve pages now._

"WHAT?"

_I told you, she wants an even number._

"What a load of crap."

"…I still haven't found my shoes."

"I have them, Heero."

"Trowa? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Didn't feel like it."

"…Can I have them back?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I like your shoes."

"Why?"

"They're yellow. They remind me of mustard."

"Why would that make you want to keep them?"

"…I like mustard."

"Oh."

_What kinds of sandwiches you guys like?_

"Huh?"

"Why do you ask?"

_Dunno, just something to pass the time._

"Um…well, I kinda like roast beef…"

_Wufei, what about you?_

"…Peanut butter and jelly."

_I like PB&J, too. It's a classic._

"You think so?"

_I do. Trowa?_

"…Mayonnaise and mustard."

"Is that even a standard sandwich?"

_Sure it is. They're actually pretty good. You should try it. Oh, and we're at thirteen pages._

"I HATE YOU!!!"

"Duo, it's not _that_ bad…"

"…"

"Would you tell us when we get to an even number this time?"

_Say the magic word._

"Please?"

_Sure._

"Thank you."

"Are we at fourteen pages yet?"

_No._

"Are we there yet?"

_No._

"Now?"

_No._

"…Now?"

_No._

"How about now?"

"Duo, stop it. It won't get us there any faster."

"You're just wasting time, Maxwell."

_Actually, no. We're at the bottom of page thirteen right now._

"Seriously?"

_Top of page fourteen. Congratulations, guys._

"YES!"

"Praise Allah!"

"Finally!"

"Hn."

"…I'm coming down now."

"Trowa, you're okay! I'm so glad!"

"Here are your shoes back, Heero."

"Hn."

_That's a wrap. You're free to go._

"Thanks! Hey, you're not so bad after all."

_No problem. See you around. I must go and present this to the Great One. Later._

"See ya!"

"There, now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Actually, it wasn't."

"We could probably do it again if she made us."

"Don't say that. Please."

"Sorry. Let's get out of here."

"Right."

"Hn."

"…How _do_ we get out?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"_NOOOOOO…!!_"

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_OWARI_

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This was SO much fun to write. Thank you, Sa-chan! **:D**

The idea of writing only in dialogue and speech just came to me one afternoon, so I just went with it. Even if you can't tell who's saying what (sometimes it's obvious), it's still pretty fun to read. I hope you all enjoy this, because I enjoyed writing it.

You, too, Sa-chan! PLEASE DON'T POKE ME!!! **XD**

_**-EDWARD-**_


End file.
